Kelly Bennett Photography

New post on the new blog........

2009-04-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder that I have moved.... come check out the new blog..

www.kellybennettphotography.com/blog/

Time for a move...........meet me at my new blog.....

2009-04-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Its not totally done but I cant hardly wait any longer......... Come check out my new blog......

www.kellybennettphotography.com/blog/

I will redirect this one soon :)

Hey Mr. Easter Bunny.....

2009-04-14T13:37:00.000-07:00

In spite of all the sickness swirling around in our house we managed to have a wonderful weekend. We dyed eggs and Austyn drew photos of me and Makenna.....

McCall tried to eat everything in site including hard boiled eggs......

The little girls hunted eggs until Savanah figured out that some were full of chocolate.....

Makenna was not impressed that she had to get a ladder to get her basket down :)

More of the little mister....

the little girls loved their new glasses...... so cute!!!!

We missed everyone in California and wish we could have been there.... :( We love you all!!!!

One more before I go...........

2009-04-14T00:14:00.001-07:00

He made me laugh... really really hard... the kind of laughing that you love that makes you laugh for days... I love that about him, that and so many other things.
He is gracious and humble, he is strong and sincerely kind. He is amazing, in his 89 years I am sure he has seen so much. He is a wealth of knowledge, a sweet friend a wonderful man. Thank you thank you Don for humoring me in my photographic wonder... you are simply amazing and I love you.

His beautiful colt... who really needs a name :)

beauty... all around us. Promise not to tell Jerid... but I honestly love it here.. the beauty, the wonder, the way the light hits the grass.. the open land the mountains............ shhhhhhhh!!!!!

and sometimes photos just speak to me.. they ask to tell a story and they ask me to be their author.. I feel so humbled so blessed, so absolutely in awe....

think about this one, his hands...
imagine all that they have held.

The blog is on the move......

2009-04-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

Ive outgrown my blogspot and am currently in the process of customizing my new blog.... keep your eyes out for a new link in the next couple days :)

See you there....

Jamie beautiful Jamie......

2009-04-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

I couldn't have asked for an easier session or for a more beautiful girl. Jamie best of luck in the Miss Utah pageant..... may you wow them all with your beauty and grace...

Why are professional photographers so expensive????

2009-04-09T10:21:00.001-07:00

Written by an excellant photographer, Shawn Richter, Caught on Film Photography, San Diego, CA

.....................
In this digital age where everyone has digital cameras, scanners and home "photo printers", when people upload their photos to a local drug store website and pick them up a few hours later, we hear this all the time - How in the world do Professional Photographers charge $55 for an 8x10 when they cost just $1.50 at the drug store?

Here's why.

Simply put, you're not just paying for the actual photograph, you're paying for time and expertise. First, let's look at the actual time involved. If you don't read this entire page, at least read this first part.

For a two hour portrait session:

- one hour of travel to and from the session
- two hours of shooting
- 30 minutes of setup, preparation, talking to the client etc.
- 30 minutes to load the photos onto a computer (2 - 4 Gb of data)
- 30 minutes to back up the files on an external drive
- 3 - 4 hours of Photoshop time including cropping, contrast, color, sharpening, saving a copy for print and a copy for the internet and backing up the edited photographs
- 2 - 3 hours to talk to the client, answer questions, receive their order and payment, order their prints, receive and verify prints, package prints, schedule shipment and drop package off at Fed Ex.
- For local customers, we also print a set of all of their photos, and meet them at our studio to review the photos and place their order. Meeting and travel time averages 2 hours.

You can see how one two hour session easily turns into more than ten hours of work from start to finish. So when you see a Photographer charging a $200 session fee for a two hour photo shoot, you are not paying them $100 / hour.

For an eight hour wedding:

- I won't bore you with the details, but an eight hour wedding typically amounts to at least two to three full 40 hour work weeks worth of time. Again, if they are charging you $4,000 for an eight hour wedding, you are not paying them $500 / hour.

Now for the expertise.

Shooting professional photography is a skill, acquired through years of experience. Even though a quality camera now costs under $2,000 taking professional portraits involves much more than a nice camera.

Most Professional Photographers take years to go from buying their first decent camera to making money with their photography. In addition to learning how to use the camera itself, there is a mountain of other equipment involved, as well as numerous software programs used to edit and print photographs, run a website etc.

And let's not forget that you actually have to have people skills, be able to communicate, make people comfortable in front of the camera - and posing people to make them look their best in a photograph is a skill all by itself.

Think of it this way - the next time you pay $X to get your hair done, a pair of scissors only costs $1.50. But you gladly pay a lot more to hire a Professional.

What about the cheap studios at the mall?

Please don't compare us to the chain store studios. But if you must, consider all of the time and work that we put into our photographs, compared to what they do. Good luck getting a two hour photo shoot at a chain store. Not to mention they won't come to the beach! And of course, look at our work compared to theirs. You get what you pay for.

The truth is, most of the mall and chain store studios lose money. In fact, in 2007 Wal-Mart closed 500 of their portrait studios because of the financial drain they were putting on the company. What the chain stores bet on is that you'll come in for some quick and cheap photos, and while you're there, you'll also spend $200 on other things. They don't have to make money, they are just there to get you in the door.

Conclusion

We hope that those who have taken the time to read this page will have a better understanding of why professional photographs cost so much more than the ones that you get from your local drug store.

Pneumonia and the tooth.....

2009-04-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

Needless to say I spent the last week in bed with a bad case of pneumonia.... yuck.. I felt a bit like I was in hibernation. The little girls were busy destroying the house... and mr McCall finally sprouted a tooth!!!!! Most everybody has a runny nose here now and we are just hoping for a sick free Easter! (fingers crossed)
He really didnt want to show off his tooth for anyone to see....

nope not even when I promised him a treat....

He is STUBBORN..... geesh I shouldnt have expected anything less right?

Comeon little man.......please.........

O and he is on the move..... so much so that he crawled into the woodstove........ (we promptly declared it spring and removed it from the house.....)

back to the tooth at hand.... I finally I mean FINALLY got him to show off his little chomper.... isnt it cute?

I promise to catch up on sneek peeks this week.... promise.... when my kids stop whining and I stop coughing...... :)

I love you but............

2009-03-29T23:16:00.000-07:00

Jerid took the kids this Saturday morning so I could sleep... after a night of restless toddlers I needed it. We worked on the yard the rest of the day and made some good progress.... I am getting sooooooooo ready for spring!!!!! I am ready to garden I am ready for green grass... I am ready for warm nights.
Our kitchen is making progress..........slow albeit........but progress.......

I finally found my Metropolis sign...............teehee

We went to donkey basketball this weekend..........McCall was in his true drooling/teething form..........

Austyn keeps asking why he is spitting .........its pretty funny.
One of me and my love...........my how he melts my heart. Even when I am mad at him he still seems to make me smile :)

and the little mister love......

When Jerid took the kids for a drive Saturday morning he took them out by Sand Mountain........a place where people take their four wheelers and dirt bikes......I guess there was a big climb that he drove up to and Makenna was begging him to go up it. When he finally gave in and said ok Bee............lets go she said ok dad............I have two things to say first........
I love you
and......
sometimes I use your toothbrush.

When he told me the story I nearly died. Here she thought they were going to do something dangerous.......something that may end their lives :) and that was her parting words....
I love you and sometimes I use your toothbrush............

gosh I love her...

on that note......she wrote a poem for school this week about where she was from. I am so amazed and so in awe of her talent... she is amazing that girl....

where I'm from
I am from camomile and cloth diapers.
I'm from the late 90's
from friendship chains and friends.
I'm from chaos and confusion and the promise.

I am from horses,
from riding horses to getting thrown off.
I am from hay from my head to my toes
and long rides with my dad.

I am from Kelly and Jerid,
and Steve and Debbie.
I am from basketball with grandpa (bapa),
and from helping him get olives.

I am from popcorn until my belly hurts.
from moms homemade pork-chops,
mashed potatoes and gravy.
I am from noodles of every shape and size.

I am from excursions to an
old ford, and a rusty Chevy
my mom learned to drive in.
I am from dirt roads and one stop
light towns.

I am from daffodils and sage brush,
and sunsets that never end.
from roses six generations deep,
and a land that knows my name.

I'm from lime green and hot pink
from blue and from brown.
from the colors of the rainbow.

I'm from liking to be the oldest to not,
from never being alone.
I'm from crying and streaking babies and
from Dora and Diego on the T.V. all the time.

I am from sharing a room with
my brother Mason and fighting over
who gets what part of the room.
I'm also from bunk beds.

I am from swimming
from sun up to sun down.
Water chasing memories...

I am from the nicknames
Sunny Bunny, Honey Bunny
Bee, Beetle, and Bee Bop.

I'm from bike rides to
Camp Richardson, and
running from geese on the beach.
from fire works over the freezing lake.

I am from moving and becoming more...
from fresh paint and a new address and
belonging.
I'm from a new way, a new thinking, a new reality...
i am from change.

I am from freckles, and
dimples, and hair of blonde.

That is what I'm from

I couldn't love her more!!!!!!!!

Im off to bed... but if you live in Holden and you are missing a sweet sweet little black male dog he is at our house.......and if you dont come for him soon my kids just may fall in love. (ok me too)

On to another week... packed full of kids and excitement I am sure....
I love you..........and sometimes I use your toothbrush...........

:)
what would you say in that moment? What would your last words be?

think about it :)

Sweet sweet Karlee............

2009-03-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

My o my Karlee do you know how much we all love you? Do you know how proud we are of you, how much potential that your little body possesses? We love to watch you dance, to see you soar and can only hope that the years ahead bring much of this......

I already know that they will................

You realize how amazing you are right? You realize that you deserve nothing but the best....You realize that you are one of a kind...
I hope you do and if you have questions.............
call me...
or send me some crazy text all in your lingo.........
and I will remind you...
that you..............yes YOU.........are ONE of a kind...........
and that we all
think you are amazing...........
and we are all
sooooooooo
proud.

A whole bunch of mine........

2009-03-20T21:18:00.001-07:00

Today was hard......in that......omygosh if I hear one more whine or tattle I may lose it. The kind of day that by 10pm I have a headache and a neckache and am just well... done. Sometimes I wonder why it is that kids fight so much... attention? age? bored? tired? sick? all? Sometimes I just think they have one of those days...
So here is to tomorrow, to a new day. A better day.
And here is to a complete photo overload of my kiddos...

The little mister.......

Guess who dresses Savanah.....

Austyn must have the same stylist!!! Gotta love the cute dress with the belt/tights/slipper combo..................

The biggins......

And some of us all (my mom included!!!)

and my o my.........what a big family you have :)

time for bed... and sleep... and good dreams and happy thoughts.......
until tomorrow

night :)

How on earth......

2009-03-19T23:04:00.001-07:00

is it that brides find me that love art as much as I do? These are some of my favorites for a dear sweet bride..... may you enjoy your marriage as much as I do mine... thank you for sharing your day with me.

Watch out world..........

2009-03-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

These seniors in the class of 2009 are about to take the world by storm. What beautiful fun fun girls.........

I remember......

2009-03-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

I remember her.............my oldest of them all.... her little blonde piggies flying in the wind. Her. Pedaling furiously......no cares no worries.....no friend troubles no boy problems. It seems like so many years ago and yesterday all wrapped up in one. Time flys.... all at its own pace and often stops to tap you on the shoulder to say hello.......... My biggins were teaching the little ones to ride their bikes this week and it was at the least surreal. The big kids with their assurance.......... yelling to the little ones....pedal pedal pedal.............. YOU CAN DO IT........... the encouragement, the bliss, the joy............ the pride.

Unglamorous but perfectly us...........

I see them and watch them change by the day.. by the moment by the hour and I am amazed........they are so crazy, so busy, so much.... and I cant imagine anything different........... Somedays I want to run away, honest I do. But I was meant for this and them for me.

We are all on this wild ride...........yes all of us, even you. This thing we call life.. this big lesson that we must not fail at... this big journey.
I see them all and I am amazed and humbled and in awe.......this is a big job I have been given.......this is a big responsibility that I must uphold.. the whole thing the life, the love, the kids, the husband..........
i must remember to sneak in sleep and good food and laughter...........

the moments they are fleeting......and pass so quickly from our hands... from our minds.. from our memories.........what will next week bring.. next year?

I am trying to get over my crooked smile, my photographed self, my insecurities that I cant hide. I am trying to look past what I see............ I am trying to get over it.......because really in the end.......
i want lots of photos of me with them...........

even if they do include a rather crooked smile.......

towanda......

2009-03-07T22:31:00.000-08:00

as i ripped up old kitchen tiles tonight Jerid said........towanda.....and i laughed so hard i nearly cried..........
towanda for sure......... we are making progress albeit slow....its progress.......someday my kitchen will be done. Someday I will not be looking for panko breadcrumbs in the bedroom and my dishes will be where they belong....someday. Until then we will live like gypsies and we wil giggle about the little things...........and i will kill time photographing some of my little loves......

Somebody has some style......

some beauty........

and some cute.......

back to the tile ripping.........and to the future of not only the kitchen.... the last few days have been eye opening to say the least......moving on......becoming friends with those who were old and are now new again......
life is funny.

towanda.........

Comment contest winner.............

2009-03-07T11:07:00.001-08:00

The girls picked #9... so if that is your comment number contact me so that I can get you your prize!!! That was fun I think I will have to do that more often. Spring sessions are booking up fast so contact me if you are interested in one. I will be doing a mini session day on April 25 for those of you in Millard County (or those who want to come here) I am pinning down a new location to use that we can shoot inside and outside of.... Sessions will be $50.00 for up to two children and $75.00 for over two children... more details to come but if you are interested please send me an email....

Lock up the key.......

2009-03-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

I love it when kids are as sweet as they are beautiful... Little Miss C fits that description to a t!!! I cant wait till spring comes and we can get some outside photos!!!!

Beautiful bride to be........

2009-03-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

I cant wait for Brittiny & Steve's upcoming wedding!!! Doesn't she make a beautiful bride! Thanks for being a trooper during this session Britt... I hope you love your photos.

I havent forgotten to pick a comment number for my contest :) I will have Makenna pick a number for me tonight :)

A little new camera love.............

2009-02-27T20:24:00.001-08:00

My new camera came today... and boy o boy am I in love..................what fun I will have with this.......... (its the Canon 5d Mark ii Teresa.... :)...........)

here is a kiddo overload for you all and a reminder to visit Brooke Snows Blog she is offering some amazing starter classes for photographers......... sheesh she is so cool Id like to go just to hang out with her :)

now on to the overload :) and keep reading for a contest :)

Ok so I have to know.........if you have made it this far.......which is your favorite???????? I will choose a random comment number for a very cool prize :)

So proud............

2009-02-25T20:26:00.000-08:00

Proud probably just does not do it justice...........Spencer got his mission call today. Oklahoma will be so lucky!!! We will all be just so proud. His mom is amazing......the salt of the earth.. and a main reason that we stay in this place we call Metropolis.......

we love you all.. thank you for letting us join in your joy.

Jello.............

2009-02-23T22:10:00.000-08:00

Its a little known wierd fact about Jerid and I....... sometimes he looks at me and just says jello. I know... you are thinking what? I must admit for the longest time I thought he was talking about my belly.. you know the jiggly part post 5 babies.... I would smile when he would say it... then feel hurt and then wonder just what on earth he was talking about... it was a vicious strange circle... and he kept saying it...

and I kept wondering why.....

He kept telling me... Kelly you know... think about it figure it out...

jello.
whatever Jerid.....

I finally figured it out tonight......one of my favorite movies is My Best Friends Wedding... if you've seen it you will remember the conversation between Kimmy and Julianne....

"He doesn’t want crème brûlée, he wants something else. … He wants Jell-O… Jell-O makes him comfortable."
"I could be Jell-O."
"No, crème brûlée could never be Jell-O."

I am his Jello.... I am his comfortable... I am his safe. And as much as I would maybe like somedays to be crème brûlée I love nothing more than being his jello................

Austyn and Savanah dressed themselves this weekend......what a riot.....

We are still working like crazy on the house.... and its funny... the more we work on it the more I love it... Its one of those things.... it may not look like much from the outside looking in but from the inside looking out we are gaining on it. We are putting love in to each and every crooked wall that we work on and we are doing it together... And I would rather that any day over the perfect little house that is empty inside.

that and of course......
jello.

Remembering Anne......

2009-02-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

O how I want to win this..................

2009-02-20T08:56:00.000-08:00

The ever so talented Brooke Snow of Brooke Snow Photography is holding her first ever contest. Im so silly... I never enter in these but this one is one to win!!!! Brooke is another Utah photographer who's work and talent I admire greatly..... (thanks Melz for pointing her out to me) So hop on over to her blog using one of the links above or the links in my sidebar and get ready for some serious eye candy!!!!!

tearing down the walls.........

2009-02-16T21:38:00.001-08:00

yep... it all started with a cabinet that was leaning a bit...... you see our house is about 150 years old..everything leans.. nothing is straight... the walls are old adobe brick.. the doors have transoms... i adore it in all is odd wonder. Sometimes I wish it wasnt here in Metropolis... ok most of the time I wish that, but I love it nonetheless.

So... J took down the two cabinets above the stove and I figured if he was going to take those out he might as well take the two next to the stove out...... and then it was the wall.. and the other wall and then the ceiling above it.... then the cabinets above the sink and then all the walls in the kitchen... all 7 layers.... paint, paneling, wallpaper, wallpaper that looked like paneling (huh what) and more paint... then adobe brick...... lets just say.... its quite a mess. Quite a mess is really an understatement.

He looks so happy right?

Did I mention a mess?

I did find this that I loved and J hated.......

In the midst of it all... Austyn was busy dressing herself... who needs pants when you are this cute?

McCall was busy showing me where his teeth will go if he ever gets any :)

Savanah was helping out.......

The big kids were no where to be found...........smart kids!!!!

We are making progress...... I wore the baby on my back most of the weekend while we took down the old roofing tiles..... it was quite a site... I will spare you that photo :)

We did manage to get the new sheetrock up on the ceiling and hopefully the cabinet man will be here tomorrow to give us an estimate...................my o my what a mess we created... it is interesting to live in it all.

life is funny like that.....layers......and layers and layers......... and lots of hard work to get thru them. I look forward to this project when it is done.......... I look forward to moving ahead.... to the clean slate.. or the clean kitchen... whichever might come first.

Somebody stop me..........

2009-02-16T21:35:00.000-08:00

He is just so dang cute... dontcha think?

Yep I think I could eat him...........

reflect

2009-02-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

Friday Five ...............

2009-02-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

How about a blog challenge????????
1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- It'll be done this year. (might be a little while)
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry or an article on proper procrastination. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you,that's for sure! (From me, it will more than likely be a fabric creation, because That's what I do best! ha ha)
5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange. (I would have to add that I reserve the right to take six extra months in getting to the post office to get it mailed. But, you will get it eventually.)

What's The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must repost this on your blog and offer the same prize to the first 5 people who post on your blog. The first 5 people to repost and leave a comment telling me they did win an AWESOME homemade gift by yours truly!

Loss of words..............

2009-02-11T20:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am at a loss for words....... really I am. I want to post photos.. I want to yell actually. I want to have a conversation with God and I want him to explain why. I really dont want to hear that it is all part of a big plan.....I want things to make sense that dont...

Instead I sit here and cry. I sit and think about my friend who is losing her battle with cancer. I think about her family and her children and all of those that love her so very much. I will be glad that she is no longer in pain, altho I really think the whole thing just stinks.

I will hug my children... and feel thankful even in the midst of such sorrow. I will feel so thankful for all that she taught me and I will cling to that when my days feel too long. I will open the photos of her on my computer and see her smile and remember.

she is so amazing... i will make her proud.

44 laps and 4 years later................

2009-02-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

4 years........... 4 long short years. Time that we have borrowed and sold.. time that we have forgotten and begged for. Time. It was him... he started it all.. lets blame him.. lets thank him....

Its funny how you can be so sure of your place in the world and so wrong all at once. So satisfied and yet so alone. I dont tell him enough but he should know...
you completed me......
you won me ...
you hung the moon...
you were right...
yes you tricked me into saying it....
but i meant it then and i still mean it now.

i love you.
and thank you.

you.. silly silly you... the best dad I could ever ask for... you are amazing and you make me giggle and you make me thankful..... so happy happy day J........

Ive been busy busy here lately.... working on my quilt for YCMT I think I am making more of a mess than a quilt but here is my progress............

and I am working on a One Word project thru Shutter Sisters and I have chosen the word "Cusp" here are some of my recent entries...

Austyn has been busy with tumbling which she loves..... and Savanah has been looking for two of the same shoes .............

More of Miss A..........

getting ready for her class and telling Hank a story............

Miss Bee & her cousin.........

Mason is busy with a play in California that we hope to see in April and he will be here next month we cant wait.... his little brother sure misses him.....
he is spending his time teething........

practicing being a cowboy..............

and trying to escape...........

I think I am caught up............maybe..........

Honestly I havent forgotten..............

2009-02-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

I havent forgotten how to blog........
really I havent....
I am just busy saying no........
and stop......
and get down.........
and folding loads and loads of laundry................

o and bathing this cute little bubbly teething boy...............................
really.. how can I stop to blog?

tomorrow is a new day...... and I promise to blog some new photos.. a new challenge I am on... a contest for a photo session with me and some words I believe in ........

hmmmmm
now I am very sleepy!!!

Thinking of booking a session?

2009-01-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

There is an amazing auction going on right now at

Formerly Phread

to benefit NieNie and her family... they have some amazing things on their silent auction... including...

NIE AUCTION ITEM #26 - Kelly Bennett Photography Session & Print CreditKelly Bennett, a photographer located in Central Utah, has graciously donated a photo session ($125 value) and a $300.00 print credit. If the winner chooses, the session and print credits may be applied towards a wedding package. Ms. Bennett will travel within the state of Utah as far South as Cedar City and as far North as Salt Lake.

So if you are thinking of booking a session with me..... go bid :) Its for a great cause!!!!!!!!!!

rock and roll lifestyle...........

2009-01-25T19:47:00.000-08:00

ok pretend for a second that I am not a 30something mom of 5 (5.....how did that happen????) anyhow......... pretend I am not listening to cake on itunes with my cute cowboy hubby.....because I am a mom right.............
we dont talk about memories either...
or more tatoos........because that would be wrong ...........right?
we dont talk about excess..........
we dont giggle about things we hope to God our children will never do............... we are so beyond that......

um hum...........
and this is so not what I look like on a Sunday afternoon.........nope not me.... I am perfectly coifed by then.... with pretty hair and a cute outfit.. and makeup that is so me...................

:)

yep.. you guessed it...... you got me....
see... I am, well we are just trying to get by like everyone else.......... we are trying to be good and kind and in love and happy. And most days it works.
And the days that it doesnt............well we just write it off... a miss.. a blip... a bump.
we all have them right?

Here is a peek at our weekend........

and we tried to make cookies...................yep.....

and we watched it snow...... and did lots of dishes.. and visited with our family that we haven't seen in a long long time. we tried to remember that sometimes being right isnt quite as important as being there. we really really tried to smile. we held eachother so that the pieces wouldnt fall apart...........we held on to tomorrow.......
see we are a family.
and yes we may move soon.......but that will not change the one constant.............
i love him
and he loves me
and we love them...
and without him I would be lost.....
funny how simple that sounds and yet how complicated it really is.............

When you are 6 months old...........

2009-01-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

When you are six months old............. you are cute.........really really cute.............and you drool.. quite a bit. But the cuteness.. it makes up for that......thank goodness :)

and you have that look down.... down pat............

and you spend your time smiling and chewing on anything and well .............everything..........

you spend your time loving your big sis......................

you have no idea who Obama is........or that it is 2009...........you spend your time in a bubble or a saucer....... protected from two female toddlers who would like to eat you...........
you dont know solid food.........but love pears...............
your binkie is your friend.........as is your jelly cat....
you dont know conflict......
you have no idea that you no longer see GK and Pb.............
your life is simple and safe and warm
and cute even...........
You are loved and squishy and fun...... you are our little man...
You are teething A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

and you like to pretend you are tough............ even though we know different.............
you are sweet......and mellow and we love you so so much Tuff...........

may the next 6 months be just as fun.............................

and here is to wearing your daddy's hat..................
you fill it well my son.............

thank you

2009-01-21T17:41:00.002-08:00

thank you to my dear friend Sharna for sharing this with me...........
o how it rings true...

SLC temple.........

2009-01-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

while I wait for the update on YCMT :) I am sitting here proofing photos.........

these amaze me...........

Look what we are working on :)

2009-01-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

And you can too.... check out this blog
gotta love fabric!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder......

2009-01-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder who you are... yes you.. reading my words and peeking into my world. Sometimes I wonder if I write too much or too little... I wonder if you would laugh if you knew that it is 3pm and I am still in my pjs with a teething baby bouncing on my knee as I type with one hand. I wonder about these things....
I wonder if you are a client? a friend? a foe?
I often think about this mix here on this blog.... my family and my thoughts and my clients and their photo peeks.... Sometimes I think about keeping it all separate but to be honest I just dont have time. You see I am buried here in kids, diapers,laundry, dishes, dinner and all my random half done projects that i want to complete. Plus.... this is all a great big part of me.

yep all of it.... the beauty that surrounds me... even if sometimes it is hard for me to see.

and these guys.....

and him and this...........

So now that I've shared with you..... how about you share with me..... Leave me a comment so that I know who I am writing to..........
im nosey that way :)

When you find someone.....

2009-01-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

who completes you... who is your other half.... this is what you get.... sure beauty. They radiated it...in their eyes.. in their smiles...in their complete love for each other.

i felt lucky to be there... to be a part of it all... to be reminded what that is like in the beginning.....

thank you both..... thank you all...

my kids... randomness... and a chubby chubby baby!

2009-01-09T14:27:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when you try to do a family session with your own kids..... in the 20 degree weather... it never goes well....

and this is what happens when your daughter gets way too big and way too pretty all at once......
Jerid better get the gun.....

and this is what a chubby chubby baby looks like.....

and a personal fav.........

man we love these kids....

and two random photos from round here lately...........
just because.

this land is your land.........

2009-01-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

you remember the song right? this land is your land this land is my land.......................................

its hit home.
in a wierd.. uncomfortable manner. And I am saddened by it. I took photos on Sunday and they feel funny... fuzzy.... grey.

and it has to be said but I am not sure how to say it.

Do you see this?

Your actions are taking this.. this look... this love. his love.
And I am sorry... but not as sorry as I know one day you will be.

are you sad? are you sorry?

He is amazing.. and not in the little boy who can be controlled amazing. He is so much more. He is a man to be proud of ....who loves his family and protects his kids and his wife. He is amazing. Im sorry you feel unrequited...........I am.... this is not what was supposed to be.
honest
it isnt.

i take his photos and i see you........ and it hurts because he does.... and i want you to call and say you are sorry......and you dont.

so may you enjoy him... enjoy us.. through these pages.... through these words.. these photos. May you peek into our world if only for only a moment.

we could have had so much more.

if only.

A little peek for Laura and Lance......

2009-01-06T14:40:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful day for a session... nearly 60 degrees and sunny skies!!! Little man B was in fine shape even after being in the car for over 2 hours to get to me!! We couldn't have had more fun!!! Thanks so much Laura and Lance I had a great afternoon! I cant wait for you to see all of your photos!

ok a bit of an overload :) I just couldnt choose!

Time for a New Year Sale!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

More Christmas......

2009-01-02T13:11:00.001-08:00

We are home now and the car is well, mostly unpacked. The presents are piled up waiting for me to find them a home and the laundry is mountainous... my desk in an overflow of papers and pens.. bills and cards. We had a blast in California... it was quick but fun. We tried to squeeze as much as possible into every moment.. We came home just in time for New Years Eve which we celebrated with friends and family and some amazing fireworks!!! Winter seems to be settling in here in metropolis and I am missing the warm California sunshine. It was beautiful out there!!! So here is the big overload of my family from California... so that I can move on to a holiday photography sale and some sneak peeks for some amazing families!!!!!

ok I dont want to share this one but if I dont my Meme may kill me :)

Mason & Savanah

Makenna & McCall

Mason & Austyn

Makenna & Corina

me and Bee

J cooking some yummy dinner

And how cute is this..... this is the swing in the park in California where all the kids have taken their first swing.... I just love these

Here's to 2009 and to all the joy we can all stand!!!!!!

2009... Christmas and such..........

2008-12-31T16:23:00.001-08:00

good post to follow I swear.. but for now........

Merry Christmas.......
and may the new year bring you everything you need...........

thank you to my family......
and to my friends that have become family...
and to Februarys........ many of them...
and to good coffee.....
and good wine........
and good memories.
and to the promise of the future.
and for the forgetting of the past.

thank you.

Here is to 2009................................

Em....

2008-12-31T13:14:00.000-08:00

She never knew when I met her that she would change my life... neither did I. She lived under me in our tiny apartments in the part of town that was safe but affordable. She was amazing.
I looked up to her... I had no idea she was younger than I.
She was an amazing mom.. the kind I wanted to be.

We moved.. grew up.. grew apart.. kept having babies..
life continued.... continues.

I had the chance last week to see her again... our daughters are still best friends.. as are we. She is still amazing... life is still moving...
Em... the world is yours. It is at your door. It is knocking.

Open it. Answer it.

You are your childrens world. You are their moon and stars. Just as you were years ago. Some things never change.
I remember her.. Id go to her for help with dinner with diaper rashes... with love or the lack thereof... we would drive her crazy stationwagon with hides all over it to every thrift store in town...
we would laugh...
we would cry..
we would swap clothes and diapers when we needed them...
we would cry a lot.

She was the mom I always wanted to be... now I want her to learn to be that mom again... she can. She is amazing.

she just needs to remember... and to know...

We love you Em... we all do.
Look what we created.........

the next crazy generation of us.............. we must teach them... grow them......... love them........

Love yourself Em... find yourself. They need you. So do I. So does everyone else. We believe in you. You taught us that.........
remember.
You deserve the moon and the stars....... and all that is inbetween.........

trust.
love.
yourself and them.
we are here for you. We are all behind you. Here for you. Loving you.
We know your potential.

You my dear, are amazing.

Sneek peek for Wendy.....

2008-12-23T10:38:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful family that braved the cold!!! I cant wait for you to see all of your photos!!!!

Hard to believe.....

2008-12-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

Its hard to believe that in just a little over a week she will be two. It was New Years Eve and I swore that I wasnt in labor... I had been having contractions pretty much for 7 weeks... I didnt think that that day was any different... I still had so many weeks left to go...
We drove to our hospital and I figured that we would be home by dark. We had things to do... fireworks to watch and a New Year to ring in... I had plans you know.
I was so sure that I wasnt in labor that I didnt even take a bag or a camera.. no phone lists of people to call, none of it.

Savanah-Grace had other plans. Not only was I in labor.. but very very active labor.. she was delivered by a very scary c-section early that night. She was teeny tiny and not quite ready to be born... she flew on her first airplane ride that night just a few minutes after the new year with her daddy to a NICU up north. It was a very scary time for all of us.

Since I had just had a c-section I was unable to be with her for two days. Her daddy never left her side. What a bond those two have...

When we brought her home she was tiny (under 4lbs) and sick. I remember watching her lay on the couch and wondering if she would be ok. I remember being very scared a lot.
Of all of our kids she is the one with the most spice... She is a fireball and most days makes me want to pull my hair out. She is curious and sweet... fiesty and loud. Man, she is really loud.

So before I get caught up in this last few days before Christmas I wanted to post these pictures of S.... my she is still bitty...but look how she has grown.

Perspective.......

2008-12-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

Noun....
1. A view or vista.
2. A mental view or outlook

"It is useful occasionally to look at the past to gain a perspective on the present" (Fabian Linden).

Perspective.. what a wonderful thing. I was driving to town yesterday thinking about the snow... about it being beautiful and a pain all at once... I was thinking about how long it just took me to get three under three bundled, wrapped, shoes & hats on and then out to the car in the snow.. its tiring... but the water... we need the water.. we get that from the snow... so its a small price to pay right? We need this season and all that it brings so that we can enjoy the next one. Spring will be all the more beautiful the more snow that we get...

It was amazing at how much I could relate that to life... Honestly I think we have to take the good, the bad, the evil.. to enjoy and to be able to see the beauty around us. Its that balance, to know sorrow so that we may enjoy happiness.

We all have so much and it is easy to be distracted... to forget..
I am trying to retrain my eyes, my heart, my soul... to see the beauty even when that is not how it appears...

to view the world beyond just the black and white.... maybe to help others view it the same..
perspective right?

I just want to sew............

2008-12-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

really......
quilt something beautiful. embroider it....

i dont want to be here and do this today. really i dont.

my hands look old as i type and it scares me.
my tears run down my hands and fall into the dry cracks and it hurts.
i told him i was done today.
done with the whole charade......
i was angry and he just didnt understand... didnt understand who i was and how i got here.. and how we got here...
and neither did i.
we went round and round and round again.......all back to the pretty little box that life just doesn't quite fit into. somedays the wrapping fits, but just not quite the bow.

its a vicious circle. a vicious cycle.

its scary to want out and yet not know where to go... its scary to know you need to stay. we are not children anymore him and i... we have lots of them.. but children we are not. our decisions are permanent. binding. complete.

it scares me. we say things in anger that cut to the quick.. words that we cant ever take back and yet we say them.. loudly even.

i want to run and know, that this is where i would run to. How in heck do you explain that?
as a child,
My mom use to vaccuum..............constantly...........
She was desperately clinging to making a clean healthy home.
900 square feet.
she vacuumed.
cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned....................................................
and then she stopped. one day she stopped. unplugged the vaccuum and...
.. played with us
my brother and I.
she sat on the floor.
and played.
for 15 years......on the floor playing with us.
She swears, the best 15 years of her life.
She says she had to gain perspective.
she did.
She had to figure it out.
and she did.
She wrote in her journal.
she was our mom.
She loved being our mom.
She would not trade those years for anything.
my mom is an optimist.

i wish i were more like her.

Again Today : (Brandi Carlile)

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

im not sure why it seems so hard some days.. and why other days it just seems like life.

i am angry and wish to take back a long long drive on a friday night a long long time ago. take back a last name and mayberry. take back promises that i am having to live up to.

growing up huh? life... lines.....
this is all so much harder than I had imagined.

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

Happy Birthday Drake...........

2008-12-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

What a doll and such a fun session.... :) Can you just stand his eyes?

and I LOVE this one..........

Happiness....

2008-12-13T23:08:00.000-08:00

found this today...
Help me Lord, to make a true use of all disappointments and calamities in this life, in such a way that they may unite my heart more closely with you. Cause them to separate my affections from worldly things and inspire my soul with more vigor in the pursuit of true happiness. Susanna Wesley.....

I have been for some time trying to find good in the bad.... to find thankfulness in my sorrow.. this quote hit it right on the head...

I have so much.
So so many things to be thankful for and to be happy about.... they are all around me.... I need to stop all of the questioning...
my dear friend told me... look at the bad, the ugly and find the good in it......be thankful Kell...............really.........

I thought.........ok what?
look at the bad and find the good....

huh????

and then it hit me....
i was talking to another friend who was at my house this week.. and I told her... yes.. moving here was hard but Makenna is so much more here.... she is who she was supposed to become here...
and...
my relationship with my mom is so much more now...
we had to walk this walk together..
find each other again..
respect each other as mothers again...
its been a bumpy walk... but worth it I told her...
she is again..
my best friend.
i didnt have that in California.
So yes, I am thankful....

I wish my parents were here.. closer... driving distance... dinner distance, I miss them like crazy.... but I am thankful.

I try to think of pretty words to say about missing Mason... words that will make it ok but I dont quite have them yet... I accept that.. and am thankful for knowing that..
its a work in progress....
a moment at a time...
im ok with that........
i am,
or I am trying to be.
(honest right?)

I am thankful to have a husband who quilts with me, sews all my pieces together... matches socks and teases me with MY bandana on.....does the dishes without tooo tooooo much begging and overall is the most amazing man I have ever met (ok up there with my dad, brother and Bumpa)... he is someone who's word means more to me than anything... a man who understands me.. understands my reason for McCall... for my phone addiction and for wanting salt EVERY night at 10pm.........
he loves me.
I tried to disect it many MANY times.......
i did......
why?
how?

but he loves me........
i stopped questioning....

he may kill me for posting that photo.... but he will still love me :)

I am thankful that as spicy as she is that she didnt kill the cat :)

I am so thankful that I have the kind of relationship with my daughter that I had with my mom.......... she is so dear to me and I honestly couldnt do it without her..
and no matter how big they get......
they still look like angels when they sleep.........

ok and she is just cute.........

We spent the whole entire day today cleaning so that tomorrow we can sew......... Jerid taught Hank a new trick.. he says BABY... and Hank gets up next to McCall wherever he is and lays there to protect him (you know from rolling off the couch) it is pretty dang cute!!!!!!

life is hard... I will give you that.. it is.
But it is also a journey... we have to own it...
enjoy the path.....the bends, the curves, the rocks in the road.
the getting lost......the inability to find our way......
part of it... it is.

we have to enjoy the journey.........

and in the end, i want to look back with fond memories............ that was the day we...............................
even if the what we did was socks right?

he looks like one of the wise men to me..............

i wish I could pick his brain :)

thinking of going private.............

2008-12-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

am tossing up the idea of making this my business blog and then creating another blog where I can keep writing and posting my personal photos..

so if you are interested on still reading "that" blog... please leave me a comment and I will make sure to include you on the list :)

much love and thanks
kell

Proverbs....dog barf.. finding myself & a thank you..

2008-12-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

ok rough title.. i know...
but sometimes the way I feel cant be described any other way.......

i was listening to brad paisley tonight...
the song....
find myself.....

When you find yourself
In some far off place,
And it causes you
To rethink some things.
You start to sense
That slowly you’re becoming someone else
And then you find yourself.

When you make new friends
In a brand new town,
And you start to think
About settling down,
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell.
And you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself.

When you go through life
So sure of where you’re heading,
And you wind up lost
And it’s the best thing that could happen.
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well.
‘Cause you find yourself;
That when you find yourself.

When you meet the one
You’ve been waiting for,
And she’s everything
That you want and more,
You look at her
And you finally start
To live for someone else.
And then you find yourself;
That’s when you find yourself.

We go though life
So sure of where we’re heading,
And then we wind up lost
And it’s the best thing that could happen.
Sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well.
Because you find yourself;
Yeah that’s when you find yourself.

Honestly.. this part

When you go through life
So sure of where you’re heading,
And you wind up lost
And it’s the best thing that could happen.
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well.
‘Cause you find yourself;
That when you find yourself.

yep... ok God... I get it.

:)
do you ever wonder if he is just laughing at us? At our trials and the way we handle them?
I wonder sometimes.........

Proverbs 26:11

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly.

Why is it that we as humans want to replay so many things? Why is it that we want to rehash... replay things over and over again... and then be ok with it....and yet go back for more?

I am Beyond so many things these days and yet am hurt still by so many...

i read their blogs...
i watch their work...
i worry for them..
i miss them..
i cry for them...

and they have hurt me most of all... but I go back.. time and time again and I have no one to blame but me.

Im working on it... I am....

the google reader is getting shorter and shorter........day by day......blog by blog

right?

i am....
finding myself.

Some things are all in the way we view them.........

she is adorable right?

step back and she is surrounded by laundry............

eeeekkkkkkkkk.....

I am starting to understand.... to view it differently......sometimes that means black and white.....

life is so much like that... in the way that we view it.. in the colors we choose to see... in the songs we choose to hear...

we determine our paths.. we choose the page.....

Remember the choose your own adventure books when we were kids......... you'd read a page or two and then you had a choice.

pg 24 the princess gets to..............
pg 49 the princess gets to..............

i was a dork
i choose pg 24 finished the story and then went back to page 49 just to make sure that I had chosen the correct ending.......

if only life were as simple right?

my birthday present came from my best friend tonight........

in the form of a beautiful new bible.

i am humbled..
i am in awe..
and I am forever thankful.

for the gift, and for her.

She is the one that I want to call when I am happy, when I am sad and when well...

when the world feels like dog barf.

i honestly cant thank her enough....

i just love her so.

God is good; life is hard. --Alistair Begg

Pixie Dust.....

2008-12-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

We are doing a deep deep clean here before we are inundated with all the new Christmas stuff... Yesterday I tried really hard to get Austyn to help me out... to no avail...

out of her room she bounded... announcing "IM DRESSED.... IM LEAVING...."

I said Austyn you cant leave its starting to snow and you are barely dressed...come on.. come in the house..

Nope nope... commmmmooon Sa Ann na......... lets go...
I asked her how she was going to leave and just where she was going...

she said... I am going to use my wings...flap them mom... and we are going to go see daddy...
he wont make us clean

no, he probably wont honey...

On being me... being real.. and letting go........

2008-12-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend of mine. I was feeling crappy.... feeling sad and wallowing in it.... feeling as tho the decisions I made were wrong and yet the only ones to be made.
it sucked.
Let me back up... Moving to Utah was huge.
Not in the huge we are going to get a new house huge... a new address a new drivers license........no...

think...
I am leaving my son.. and taking a gamble that we will ever get him back.

Huge.

long long story short.....
in California he is old enough to choose.

he lives there now.
There with his dad and his latest love and well.... there.

it breaks my heart daily. hourly even.
the balance I cannot gain... cherish what I have and yet feel loss for what I dont.
balance.
im not there yet i suppose..........
"you have a beautiful family"

yes.
but
i miss my son.
my baby.
the one who i couldnt pry from my side...
yes him.

i call him and want to tell him he broke my heart and I cant... I beg Jerid to move back to California and he says ok baby we can... and yet I know that that wouldnt fix it....
broken is broken is broken........
my divorce from his dad sealed that deal....
divorce makes people change... its funny that way.
i want to be angry.. and most days I am.....
we moved here and left everything I ever knew to help a family that we will never fit into...
a box i dont want to reside in....
trust me....................i tried.
i let myself wonder what it would be like if we had never left California.. if he were still mine... if I were still his. the whole deal......
I know if we had stayed that we would have never had Savanah and McCall...
but is that enough?
if I didnt have them I wouldnt know that I was missing them right?

following me?

I tried to take photos for our Christmas card today... and wondered which one I would use of Mason.... I thought of him in California at his play that I wont see...
I tried not to cry.
...think of summer....think of summer...think of summer.....
right.........and the snow hasnt even fell yet.

Austyn wanted nothing to do with a good photo..... i got this....
Her rooster look...........

Catch me........if you can..............

it was this big mom...............

yep you are the best.......................thumbs up!!!!!!!!!!!!
I begged.
Really I did..........
Honey... just one photo......
please.......

please?????????????????

I guess i didnt impress her...................

she promptly bounced away...........

what is a mom to do?
I zeroed in on the nonmoving subject I figured he was safe right????????????

Seriously.... this kid is cute...... Im sure his extended family here just wants to eat him up.....I try to discern the fact that all of my kids are my familys kids.......they are all mine...but wait...
wow.
life is so different these days i suppose... mine is yours and yours is mine... but wait.........
is it really?
So much to think about........... so many things to give and take....... so many regrets...unspoken goodbyes...
Jerid says I should quit drawing lines..............

I didnt draw them... I just see them.

Most days... I just wish I were Hank.

just a quick one....

2008-12-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

I love her so...

Look no further.............

2008-12-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

I might have been a singer
Who sailed around the world

A gambler who wins milions
And spent it all on girls

I might have been a poet
Who walked upon the moon

A scientist
Who would tell the world
I discovered something new

I might have loved a king
Been the one to end a war

A criminal
Who drinks champagne
And never
Could be caught

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among the noise
And fuss
I've let it go

I can't stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it's home

Everyone
I'll never meet
And the friends
I wont now make
The adventures
That they
Could have been
And the risks
I'll never take

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among your noise
And fuss
I've let it go

I can't stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it's home

Dido..."look no further"

I relate to music... to the sound... to the words.......
the words...

I read them to Jerid.. to Makenna... to Mom.... to Lish... to anyone who will listen....
I read them again........

quiz them... do you get it I say? really do you?
Jerid told me memories are personal... they are.
but I am a girl..... I want to share them... discuss them, disect them...... pull them apart into itty bitty pieces and then glue them back together all pretty...
you know, decopauge them.....with buttons and such....

right.

I sit here and giggle now.

Could have been and should have beens and would have beens............................

the past, that fortells the future. The decisions that we made that change it... the turns we took that are part of the path.

There are some things that I am learning that I must let go.
Crazy things that will mean nothing to anyone but me.

I hated sunflowers.
Im sorry I lied.
The black dress was too tight.
I knew it was over.
I didnt want to be there.
I only called you to hurt her.
I wish you had never come.
I hated Ty because I was jealous..
I didnt know you could love us both.
I knew I didnt deserve you.
I was scared.
She made me more than a mom.
My choices were poor.
When I left with him... you werent the only one to cry.
Ive missed you.
Thank you for keeping them. thank you mom.
Im glad you have never held her..
holding me was damage enough.
baggage.
the lines were thin, blurred.
fences crossed.
im sorry I couldnt fix you.
your brain cancer made me face my mortality.
you leaving made me face the truth.
i may never go to Tahoe again.
or eat spaghetti the same.
I am more without you.
I shouldnt miss you.. I should thank you.
i may never.

I am learning to accept the I may never's........... most days I am overwhelmed by the .... omygoodness SHE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!

Savanah brushed Shreks teeth this morning.........with MY toothbrush!!!!! I asked her why she didnt use hers.........she said.....
Shrek likes YOURS!
for you Lish...........

They spilt nuts all over yesterday.......... I was pretty mad........... Austyn started singing... we are the Wonder Pets........ and we are doing T E A M W O R K.............
teamwork mom..................
I wanted to yell.............give me the dang broom.
let me clean it.
but I let them continue...........it was pretty cute.
Today we spent the day...........well doing the same dang thing............
Savanah tried to balance her baby on McCall's head........

then he got a phonecall.........

then a little smothering......

arent sisters great???????????????

We have a budding artist on our hands................. Austyns photo of McCall....... with his little legs(yeggs)

Her photo of Yisha and Dan Bennett

so the road is long and I feel like I am traveling in circles...........I am trying to own it.. to not regret...... I am.
To be thankful even in adversity......
bear with me...
its windy.

Giving thanks.............

2008-11-27T19:57:00.000-08:00

really.... all day... we gave thanks... for our family.. for our dinner.. for our choices.......

we gave thanks....
our kids played.. they played with our friends kids.....

our kids tried not to smother the baby.... we talked to our sweet Mason and he laughed that I was going shopping at 3am... we dealt with miss M and her relationship with her brother.. we survived.

I got shopping lists... from many many kiddos......Santa wishes.........Christmas dreams.... and tried to figure out where we were going to put anything.....

McCall just laughed at us.
And I thought how cool it would be to be him! Just chubby and oblivious and cute.. and well smiling at the world!
He truly is a doll... no jealousy of his siblings... no wierdness.... no favorites...
i love it.
We looked at our lights... I want more but must be happy with what we have right?

Giving thanks...... thanks....... giving.
Loving each other, loving one another.... loving ourselves and loving God.. being thankful...

Dang I love these men.... I cant wait to see if McCall turns out as handsome as his dad..............

and if he is half as grateful, well........... we will have it made.
wont we.

my boy crush.... in color..........

2008-11-25T20:40:00.001-08:00

Honestly... have you heard this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBk07l2aKrE
really... I told Jerid tonight that I have a boy crush... really I do... listen to this song.......

did you really listen?
Its probably wierd how many times I have listened to him on itunes today......but honestly... real country that still exists.....thank you so much...........

real...

life is real right... the stuff I see.... the days I live? Yep. Real.
Remember when we were kids.... dukes of hazzard was rough and lincoln logs were cool? That was real.

I browsed the black friday adds today... my girlfriend wants to leave at 2:30 AM!!!!!!!!! and I thought......crap.... some days my kids dont even go to bed till then...

Kohls at 4am......then walmart then target then Cabelas..........then lunch????????? somewhere that preferably serves something to take the edge off?????????

I am tired already.... and it is not even turkey day yet!!!!!

Savanah told me today she had a green hat.........um close.......right?

And McCall.... he is 4 months old now...........how in heck did that happen? When you are pregnant those months drag.....when your precious chubby baby is here.. well
time flys.

honestly he is so cute I could eat him! He tried real food tonight and gobbled it up.............. SURPRISE!!! Little chubby one.....man how we love him!!!

funny thing about that song........... In color...... it talks about seeing things in photos...........that they are black and white but if you were there it would have been in color......
i get it.
Sometimes I would prefer to just look forward but there is tangible proof of the past...
photos.
letters...
dreams.....

children.

dang it.

if it were only black in white..............

i wish.

i do.

maybe black in white is better sometimes? Maybe the grain is enough to hide? Maybe just maybe sometimes color is just too much?

You think?
Maybe its overboard in color? What about the stuff we would miss tho?

the song says.......you can't see what those shades of grey can cover..........you should have seen it in color.............thats the story of my life... right there in black in white..............trying to survive....

you should have seen it......

in color.

you should have seen it.
in color.

really................
it was beautiful......
it was different.......
it was then.

in color.

Preview for some wonderful girls!!!!!

2008-11-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

Honestly... I love it when I have clients that I know immediately that I want to be friends with... this family was just like that... we got a beautiful day.... and leaves that were still remarkably golden yellow!!!! I hope that you will love your photos as much as I enjoyed spending the afternoon with you!!!!

Luck....

2008-11-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

I feel lucky to have him.. I do. I dont know which stars aligned or who was in charge... (ok I do) but you know... I dont know why I deserve him...
Most days.... he keeps me sane... and as I write this at 10:52 pm he is entertaining the girls who are up WAY TOO LATE... and eating the cheese toasts I just made him.

I eat my salad and grumble :)... its ok.. the onions and feta will get him later :)

We struggle him and I... really we do...

and yet, even in struggle... I still am thankful..greatful for him. For his laughter, for his calmness.. for the way he makes me mellow. For his compassion and understanding.. for him. For his acceptance of me when all around us judge... for loving me.. me.. exactly the way I am...

I dont take photos with him anymore.. the last three babies in rapid succession have taken their tole... I wear their scars.. sometimes not so proud.
I use to be pretty..
I use to be skinny...
I use to turn heads.
I am a mom now.. that is gone.
But when I feel the most like that, I still turn his head. He told me today that I looked more beautiful than I had in months...
I think he told me the same thing last week...
How on earth do I deserve him.... let alone how did I find him?

somewhere half way across the desert right?

the kids are screaming now as he tries in vain to watch something on tv...S pulled my tablet off my desk so know he is cleaning something red off the floor ... I swear.. there is no down time here. the crying, the noise.. wow.

i yell.
he calms.
baby... it will be ok... it is ok...........
promise?
it doesnt feel ok....

Austyn just came in and said.. Im sorry I hurt your feelings.. it was a accccc se dent.
right, an accident.

why do they have to be cute when I am angry?

Austyn just said.. hey HEY... lets get out of this place... really NOW.. there are monsters... I need to go.. lets go... its time for bed.. lets go?
She is hilarious... I want to bottle her.

How can she say she is sorry when there are those that need to that dont? How can their world be so pure, so full in color when as adults life is so black and white?

Life is confusing... my gosh.
We all just try to get by, I am so very thankful that I have him by my side...
him and well all of our many children...

We are learning the walk.. the plan.. the dream... we are.... bumps.. yes... detours.. many.. laugh lines... o yeah...

we are trying to be good parents... and good to each other... and it is working :)

I cant tell you that some days I dont wish to be young again.. to chase leaves and to think all is right.. but I will say this....
I am busy making this my own.. I am busy making my family know wrong from right.... and I think we are all busy chasing Cinderella..... (of course she has so much to teach us)

She is one of many... teaching us the lessons that somehow along the way we missed. Thank you Cinderella...

Thank you Jerid.
xox

Welcome to Utah...........

2008-11-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

I remember when we moved here. Its burned in my brain, seared... imbedded. Every mile, every tear... every moment. I cant let it go. We drove out of California in the biggest snowstorm they had seen in a century.... inched our way over the pass..... white knuckled it to Carson City... our babies in the car, me gripping my moms hand.... our belongings right behind us. It was a long long trip. I wanted to turn around... pretend that I had forgot something big..
Our house was empty.. the floors had been scrubbed. The memories we had made there, the garden we tended.. the baby we brought home.. well... they would have to be memories...
we drove over the pass and I missed my porch.. I missed my friends..... I missed the seperation I knew we would never have again.

We pulled up to the house we live in now and I looked at my mom and I just cried. I didnt want this. Not now, not ever. I knew what this meant. I knew what living here meant... I knew what I would lose to live here...
But we were a family and we thought this was best...

I cried a lot.

A lot.

And I felt very alone.

We ripped up carpet that was older than me... we painted walls that I wish could tell stories. We moved furniture around... hung curtains.

I cried some more.

It sucked. I tried to be positive... think of the best... Make yummy dinners.. you know, try to be a good mom.. the whole thing.
I tried to make friends.
Smile, even when I felt like the odd man out.

I will be honest. I still want to go home. I miss my mom.. I miss my dad. Above all I miss my son. I miss being able to drive over to my parents house if I need them.. that is something I may never accept. I guess really there are lots of things.
We moved here and his hours were long and my tears were many... and I hid a lot. It was easier. It was safe.

But I love him.

And so we are here.

There are things about this new life that I do love... our homes old wood floors... the no stop light town... the little things... metropolis right?

the fact that this is the place that makes him happier than anywhere else in the world... that matters. The fact that we get close to this valley and I can see him relax.. see him smile. That is enough right?

I went to get my Utah drivers license yesterday... it was funny. When I think DMV... I think California DMV.... you know long lines...drama... headaches, people yelling.. kids screaming...

not the case here.

think.... card tables in the back of the library... $25.00 and an open book test and you too will have a Utah drivers license.

But dang it... I didnt want to give this up... not the weight on it.. or the sun tan.. or the address... but hello.........its been nearly 3 years......

I think it was a big part of letting go.

You know, that and adding about 29 pounds to my weight... I mean we can bend that truth.. but hello.... what was on there before was a far far stretch.......

like a cut my left leg and o maybe my right arm off too stretch..........

funny.

So I took my test.. and passed and then gave my drivers license from Cali up. A right of passage.. yes...
a step.
yes.
regrets...
sure.
I think about it.

I drove home in Jerids truck with the dog in the back and giggled. The dash held a fishing pole, a binky, a coffee cup.. the floor held a rifle... one of the girls jackets.. some kid shoes.. what a mixture....

I caught my breath... and looked around. This was my happy.. this is my home. All of it. And dang it, I will own it. I will.

I came home to kids dirty in the yard.. to half strung Christmas lights... to chaos... that was my own... I came HOME

Another step.... another piece........just more right?

its good to find me.... even if I took the long way around. Its good to be home.
its funny....
i have learned to let go..
my heart has found its home.

I thought of her today.....

2008-11-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

ok her maybe would cover many people, so let me not get ahead of myself...... we spent the day at the property today...one of our favorite places... a place we go to work.. to think... to decompress even.. the kids play.. not a fight was heard... we love it there. Someday we will spend everyday there... I will love that...
So today Makenna and I set out on the journey to get all the fabric boxes out and all the Christmas lights out... not a small task.. the storage is FULL... boxes had to be moved and opened and well it was a huge mess....

I moved box after box after box.... cardboard and plastic filled with the kids kindergarten paperwork...pictures for mom... my highschool memorabilla... you know.. boxes and boxes of it... it was overwhelming.. it always is. And then I saw it... a box labeled... Jerid good winter clothes..... Jerid good boots.... it wasnt my handwriting... or my moms or his..... it was hers. You know. His first wife... the one before me.... Her. And dang.... her writing honestly it got to me. I paused. I thought about her, about them about what they looked like together... no kids.. just them.. I let my mind go there... you know to the how was it.. what was it like.... if he loved her more... all that.. yep I went there. I wondered where she was, what she was like and why she had gone. I did. And then I silently thanked her........

I kept moving boxes.

I found one labeled... "Mason good baby clothes" the writing once again wasnt mine.
It was his. You know, the husband I had before. The one before Jerid.... it honestly sucked to think about this all in one afternoon. I looked at the writing and was glad that I still didnt belong to it.... in some wierd way.
And yet. That is a part of my story.... we are all formed by the bits and pieces.. the parts... both good and bad. It is all part of it.
We are blended Jerid and I... we both have stories and pasts that some days I think we would both prefer to forget... but it each is a piece.
I kept thinking over and over in my head... thank you.. thank you... thank you......
there are no clean breaks........ but thank you.......
See this is all mine now.. the good the bad.... the crazy..... I will take it....

I thought a bit about me today... about how sometimes life seems hard to me.. I talked to my dear friend L about how I can work on this... how I can step back and accept who I am and where I have been and then move on... it is a piece...
I am working on it, there is no such thing as perfect right.......
I tried to capture beauty today... to breathe it... to allow it.... I honestly did.

Love is a funny funny thing... you can love someone with all your heart and it can be wrong... I was telling a story today about decorating for Christmas... remembering a house I once lived in... a beautiful house with a big big picture window... a walkway.. two car garage.. picket fence... you know.. the house you dream about... I was telling my friend that I decorated it so perfectly for Christmas one year... villages, ribbon, homemade wreaths, tinsel, twinkling lights.. the whole works.. it was amazing... people came from all over town to see my home... to see the decorations.. it was incredible... they would walk up to the window and just smile... peer in... dream.... they were in awe.

I was the saddest I have ever been that Christmas... my divorce was filed that February....
I decorated because it was all I had. If my world sucked then I could at least make it look pretty right?

Most of that "stuff" is in boxes now... there is no room for it in this house we live in... there is no time for us to look pretty. And honestly we have way way too many kids that we would have to be telling NO NO to. The decorations will have to wait.
We will hang lights.... lots and lots of lights... and my sign that reads HOPE.... we will put out little stuff.. no crowds will gather.. but it will still be amazing.
We will thank them... we will thank eachother....
we will realize that we got the greatest gift of all.

And no matter the past... we have the now.......

It is far more than twinkling lights... then picket fences.... it all really boils down to commitment and promises....
o and being with the right person...
the one that is unwilling to take the easy road and walk away...
the one that you trust.. even when you dont trust yourself...
the one that makes you laugh until you cry.
you know.
the one.

my life is beautiful... I just have to remember to take the time to see.....

o and I know I have said it before.... but, thanks Jo...........

a bath a cake and a friday night......

2008-11-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

Friday nights... funny... I still think football games.. dates... dressing up.. going out. Even tho my friday nights look like this these days......

We made my favorite cake tonight and it is sooooooo easy... I love it... and yes.. Austyn is cooking naked... lovely one.

Tres Leches
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
5 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder

Heat oven to 350 degrees grease 13x9 baking pan... set aside. Beat butter and sugar together.. mix in eggs and vanilla by hand.. gradually add flour and baking powder.. cook for approx 30 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean....

Combine
1 cup milk
1 14oz can sweetened condensed milk
1 can evaporated milk

Pour over cake when you take it out of the oven... let cake come to room temperature and then chill for 4 hours....

topping...
mix 1 1/2 cup heavy whip cream
1/4 cup powder sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Im telling you this is ONE YUMMY CAKE!!!!!! Try it... you will love it!!!!! So after cake making it was bath time... and little McCall just loves his bath.. so I had to get some snaps of that.. he is getting so dang big....

Hey hey look......... are those toes???????????????????????????

Life is sweet... we just have to find it... and I think that these friday nights will hold many more memories than the ones of my youth...football games and dressing up are long gone.. its ok we are raising little people here you know :)

o and Bug.... I love you... take the bed if you need it.... its yours :)

Clel..Clel... Clel...

2008-11-12T19:06:00.000-08:00

Thank you for being such a good sport!!!! You make my job so easy :) See it wasnt that bad was it?

Well anyhow....

2008-11-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

Jerid and I fought tonight.... the yucky I dont want to be here anymore fights... you know the ones... the where is the door? Where is out? Why am I here? It was one of those... made even more perfect by the yelling and threats.... good times.... for sure.
One of those fights where life seems like a better plan somewhere else, anywhere else... just not here and for surely not the heck now. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times we have fought like that... I hate it.. it sucks...
Life is hard sometimes.. sometimes our dreams outweigh reality... sometimes the reality is much harder than originally planned... sometimes the crying, the bills, the lack of sleep... the juggling the organizing.. sometimes life.. well sometimes it smothers me. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in Mayberry trying to figure it all out alone... sometimes.. somedays.. I hate that.. that is the honest truth.
And then I am reminded of just how precious life is. A shock really... a slap in the face perhaps... I was trying to find a photo of Jerid and I to put in this post and stumbled upon a folder of photos from last summer... when I drove to Idaho for a wedding and for a much too premature goodbye...

You see... one of my cousins was saying "I do" and another was saying goodbye...... it was so wrong and yet so right all at once. It was a conflict of emotions.. an assault on my heart. Mad.. happy... happy... sad.... pissed... and above all...
I was so mad at God.
Id be lying if I said I am over that... I am working on it.. but not over it. Its hard sometimes to trust him and to understand the bigger plan...
We are a society where we want to know right now what is going on and why it is what it is and what will happen tomorrow and if its not toooo tooo much to ask can I have a road map and some really good drinks for the trip??????????????

Really.... the uncertain scares me.

But I know this. I made vows. For better or worse...
I love him... someday this will all seem like a little blip.. right?????????
Sometimes it seems easier to walk (run) away... but dangit... look at the luggage I would have to pack for all of these kids... think about it.. the logistics... the drama...

I learned something when my two cousins were at such different crossroads in their lives...
and its funny we celebrated one's journey and mourned the others... maybe we should have celebrated both?

they were nearly the same age...
it didnt seem fair but they were both starting a new and unique journey... they both knew it..
one was preparing for a husband and to have children...
the other was preparing to say goodbye to his...

I spoke to him nearly everyday for the next 6 weeks, sometimes many many times a day..I memorized his voice, his laughter... him
...I tried to make him hopeful, talked about warm beaches.. feeling good again... beating cancer... camping... dreaming... dancing...
you know the talks...
you have so much to live for...
look at your children....
we love you...
you will be ok...promise....

he is gone. but I try to remember these things everyday. Life is hard.. really stinking hard.. and most days a challenge that Id like to walk from. But honestly...

we have so much to live for....
look at my children....
i love him.....
we will be ok... promise............

thank you so much Ben, for everything.. for it all...... I love and miss you so so much.

It is the sweet simple things of life which are the real ones...... after all.
Laura Ingles Wilder....

and a bit more thanks......

2008-11-11T12:03:00.001-08:00

Ok especially that Austyn didnt really bite McCall.... what a morning....

Powder and Grace.........

2008-11-10T22:04:00.000-08:00

I spent all day today thinking about what to be thankful for, you know while I was doing the chasing... yelling... momming stuff... ... all day....... seriously... and then I felt like I let myself down.. how on earth can it be so hard to find something to be thankful for. Was I overthinking it... overlooking it... where was it? Can it be just the simple things?
Austyn woke up this morning with a dry pullup... I was so happy I danced... honestly.. you should have seen it.. the mommy with bedhead & pj's on dance... it was a sight... :) she was pleased, I made her giggle... I was thankful. Papa bear came and fixed our new sink so it wouldnt leak... I got to wash the millions of dishes that were stacking up all weekend long... I was thankful. (honest I was) I got almost caught up on editing... my headache wasnt too too bad today and I got to lay in the bath and hear the sound of rain (ok over the babies crying in the other room with dad) but anyway... I was thankful...
Jerid, M & A went to dinner tonight and I stayed home with my headache and with miss Grace and McCall.... After McCall got over his screaming fit and fell asleep I got to spend some time with the little missy.....
grace..... NOUN:
1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

um yeah....... right.
This child, well everyday is something new with her. Something wild.. something (or many things) that make me shake my head. She is a whole new and improved form of crazy and most days I just try to survive.
She found the powder tonight... I was wondering why she was being so quiet...........
found it... wore it... squoze it... all over the stinking house... honestly right at that moment I was thankful we dont have carpet.... I quickly assessed the damage, grabbed my camera and began to clean the mess....

She kept saying uh oh...uh oh....uh oh.... powwwwwda... yes miss Grace... powder... honestly...

We headed off to the kitchen sink, moved aside some dishes and took a quick bath.... all told we both got a good giggle out of it. She is feisty... she is busy.... and teeny tiny and bold... She makes me run, as they all do... but honestly... I am forever thankful for her... and greatful she is mine...
I wouldnt have it any other way....

just two... just because......

2008-11-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

I am thankful

2008-11-07T22:51:00.000-08:00

thankful for regrets both big and small
thankful for days
long gone by
that turned to nights awake
alone pacing in too small apartments
pushing away dreams
too big for my shoes..
I am thankful..
for the sunflower kitchen,
that forced me to go
for the two lines, the fear
the promise of her
I am thankful.
For all the starts
incomplete
broken
the mistakes, bold... clear
the wild turkey
that chased me till I was blue..
the home
the white picket fence I tried to make...
to force
to steal..
I am thankful.
for the plan
I blinded myself to see
for the future yet to be held
I am thankful.
for the promise
of more
someday
oneday
somehow
I am thankful.

o and for the daughter of mine who listens when I say.. dont get into the bathtub you are dressed...........
I am thankful........

giving more thanks..........

2008-11-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

I am thankful that I have a job that I love... something that stirs me. Each and every time I pick up my camera it moves me. I am thankful that I get to view the world thru my lens, that I am pursuing it.. that I am growing at it. I pulled out some old photos from 2007 tonight and I am thankful that this is a journey where we just learn and learn.. in life, in mothering, in photography.. in everything. We are constantly learning, getting better.. becoming more. I am so thankful for that....
And I am most of all thankful that because I love to capture these moments.... that I have so many moments of my children captured that I had forgot.. those firsts, those smiles.. the laughter.....
So here are some oldies.. but goodies in my book.... my time has flown....

I am thankful

2008-11-05T19:35:00.001-08:00

November is about being thankful..... so

God sometimes is silly.....funny even.. has a sense of humor??? Last Feb.. I met a fellow photog... someone at first I never even gave a thought to a future with. We attended a conference together, I thought she was sweet, odd.. interesting even. I never thought that she would be my best friend. We left the conference... with new ideas...new plans..new thoughts...
And I found myself drawn to her.
Not in the wierdo stalker way.....ha...... but in the.........she is real....she is true.......she is honest.....she is my friend.
Funny as adults, friends are hard fought for.... something that is not just easy.. but something that is hard won.
L was that... and so much more. Our family and hers has meshed so close that there is nothing that is uncertain. She is the frick to my frack.. the well........ you know.

So i thank you Lish. I thank you for being you. For your love of God, for your love of family. For being true when all around us fell. For listening to me at 4pm or 4am... for believing in me.. for trusting me... for respecting me...
i thank you.
You are an inspiration...... someone I want to be near.. someone I want to be like... someone I learn from.. someone I admire.

I can say nothing but thanks..
o
and i love you.
you and Dan Bennett and the girls... and t.

and of course, above nothing else......
thanks.

Here you go Kristin.....

2008-11-05T15:53:00.001-08:00

wow... I could have taken photos of you all day :) too bad the sun went down. You are such a sweet sweet girl & I hope you love your photos!

Sneak peek for Sarah & Mike.....

2008-11-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful family! Thank you so much guys for the wonderful afternoon! Here are a few from your session that I just love...

All I wanted...

2008-11-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

All i wanted was to be a mom. I remember as a child playing house with my friends and demanding to be the mom. I wanted a billion children... and a house on a hill with a white picket fence. I wanted to sit in a porch swing and sing to my kids. I wanted to make their clothes and make lemonaid. Its all I wanted. I wanted to be like my mom.. to keep a perfect house.. to bake cookies and hide all the worlds inperfections from my children. I wanted them to know nothing bad, nothing evil. I grew up loved, and happy and safe and I wanted the same for my own children.
I am a mom now... and it seems so hard. When I wake in the morning to someone crying I know how the day will be. I live in a constant whirl of laundry..dishes... meals... schedules... carpools.. time-outs and more laundry.. I feel that so much of every day is spent doing the same damn thing. This is what I wanted. I wanted this. I created this. And yet I find myself wondering sometimes where the magic door out is. I feel like I live in a state of working for my family, where I thought we would always work together...
How is it that this is where I am...... how is it that this is so far from where I came from... how is it that 5 little people look up to me to make the decisions, the plans the dreams and yet I can't make mine?
My baby just came in and asked me if she could sing me a princess song because I am her princess...she told me the sun went down... but mommy... where did it go?????????? she sang... her beautiful blue eyes looking into mine. I stopped typing. I stopped worrying...

I guess if I can be a 3 year olds princess then my world isnt that bad... is it?

Thank goodness the sun went down.... and thank God.. that it will all be back tomorrow. I really wouldnt want it any other way.

6 Random facts............

2008-11-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you Mel tagged me. Thanks Mel!!!!!

2. Post the rules on your blog (this is what you are now reading).

3. Write 6 random things about yourself (see below).

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them.

5. Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Ok tomorrow I will start the 30 things to be thankful for... tonight needs to be about random facts........ :)

1. I love to cook........ anything and everything. I love new recipes... love to try new things...
2. One of my favorite foods is peanut butter on pancakes... I know, its wierd.. but I grew up eating this and it is a comfort food for me...
3. When I was in 5th grade, I went by my middle name for a year... I think it was an identity crisis.. I laugh about it now.
4. I love the ocean... the sound, the smell, the way it makes me feel. I miss it, it is one thing I hate about living in Utah...
5. I always thought Id have a daughter named Paisley.... (go ahead laugh) Jerid thought I was crazy...so he won on that one. dang it.
6. I always thought Id be a writer... I was published in college and wanted to pursue it. I started having babies & life consumed me and I gave that up.. I regret that now. I probably always will.

Ok so there are my 6 random facts.......... I tag Lisha, Jenny , Melissa , Tanya

everyone else I know has been tagged already :D

Halloween... Holden style..........

2008-11-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

I had a great post written in my head at about 3am this morning as I was rocking a fussy baby and tending to some over sugar induced children... last night was rough. I decided if given the choice of a vacation or sleep that sleep would win... I honestly can't remember the last time I slept all night.. :) Anyway by the time I woke up for about the 40 time this morning I had forgotten everything inspiring/cute/faithful that I wanted to say.. o well.. there is always tomorrow :)
Get ready for a serious photo overload.............
Well let me back up a second... at about 2pm yesterday Austyn came tearing thru the house screaming... I GOT MY COSTUME..... WHERE IS MY CANDY...... wow doesnt take them long huh? Anyhow she was dressed like this.......

for you non mom's out there.. this is the thing that I put in the shopping cart to put the kiddos in.. she had her head and arm in one leg hole.. other arm in the other hole.......
um... why did I buy costumes anyway?
Our first trick or treaters

little did they know that Austyn took this trick OR treat thing seriously... she gave them candy then showed them HER tricks on the trampoline...... Priceless.....

And Miss B... her costume a labor of love and handmedowns from those we love..... seriously.. shirt and boots from Meme.. Grandma K sewed the sash and I put the jewels on it... Daddy stayed up half the night MAKING her chaps..... she borrowed the hat from me.. crown from Austyn..... what a doll.. she looked amazing!!!

trying to steal a kiss from his girl............

Miss B and her crew...... well part of it... she was sad that Brooklyn and Sawyer werent here :(

they trick or treated me standing outside the truck.. funny kids

Our driver... I mean.. my love.

treats........

Ok Cinderella told me she needed a broom so she could fly.......... ok......

i love this one...........

Ok and dont forget the bear........the sweet baby bear.....

and most of the spookies.........we were missing Mr M... who was out in Cali to spook the fruits and nuts............. we miss you buddy

A little bit of Grace...........

2008-11-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

She stole my heart last night... as they all do on a daily basis... it was so fun to watch her try to walk around town in her bitty little tap shoes and her vintage costume... Auntie L made her her very own baby legs to keep her warm & she just looked adorable (ok I am biased)
Needless to say, I took a ton of photos last night... I am uploading them now :) Everyone had such a good time...what a wonderful evening.

Quick quick for Bronte......

2008-10-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

You know so she will stop bugging me.... :) You know I am kidding Bronte..... I hope you guys will love your photos as much as I do...

Thanks for being a good sport Matt... and Clel.... well you and I will have to get together for some photos sometime :)

And look at these eyes... wow... what a beautiful girl....

Unglamorous

2008-10-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

I was going thru my old cd's tonight and came across this song.... its funny it was always my favorite and now seems to fit me like a glove.....
You really should download this one... her voice is beautiful...

Unglamorous...
Lori McKenna

Understated, overrated site - carnival ride
Curtains faded, thread bare rugs real nice -the baby stayed up all night

How wonderful rhinestones on black satin shoes
How beautiful the one's I never get to use
No frills, no fuss, perfectly us - unglamorous

Frozen dinner,chilly glass of wine - tastes just fine
Two bread winners, five kids in short time -with eyes just like mine

How wonderful crowded dinners at the kitchen table
How beautiful one tv set - no cable
No frills, no fuss, perfectly us - unglamorous

No diamonds in our bathtub rings
Peanut butter on everything.......
No frills, no fuss - unglamorous
Unglamorous

How wonderful a gravel road leading to a front door
How beautiful old wool socks on a bedroom floor
No frills, no fuss, perfectly us -unglamorous
Unglamorous
Unglamorous

Little Mr. Charming.......

2008-10-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

We spent the evening last night with our good friends & I got to take some photos of their son Kyle.. it was pretty cute as he kept hugging and kissing both the girls.... someday Kyle you may have to choose :)

and isnt this cute????????

I wish the whole world were a trampoline....

2008-10-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Funny the things our kids say that when you step back and look at them have such big meanings. Yesterday in the height of the afternoon chaos Bee told me she wished the whole world were a trampoline.. I giggled, and Im sure said something profound like um-hum or cool. You know I was parenting... but not really. I was present, but my mind was elsewhere doing dishes or laundry or breaking up fights or worrying or whatever.. but it wasnt there. She said look how high I can jump mom... watch me.... watch me... And she did she jumped so high, without reservation, without fear because she knew if she fell on the trampoline she would bounce. She had that safety net to catch her fall and in knowing that it made her jump higher and faster... try things that she previously thought she couldnt do.

I watched her soar and thought about how right she was... how much more we would each do if there was no fear of failure, or if the failure wouldnt break you but only teach you how to do it correctly. If we really accepted that this life is all a lesson to be learned and that sometimes each of us will take a bad bounce.

Im really trying to be concious of enjoying more... and maybe even to trying more... it cant hurt that bad can it?

I was a California girl....

2008-10-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

I once was... really... I use to be.. or is it used to be... who knows.. anyway.. I once was. I was a California girl living in a California world... furnished with California friends and even a California divorce.... I know it sounds cliche but its true. I had a job I hated but a life I thought I loved. Operative word here is thought. I was at a point in my life that I was done with a lot of things.. one of them being men... not in the ok Im not going to date anymore kind... it was the I HATE THEM... NO MORE... NO WAY.... God is funny sometimes as we all know.
My friend at work suggested that I call her brother... hilarious. Her brother that lived a mere 600 miles away.. in Utah no less... think like the middle of Utah.. the center.. ha.. um the sticks.... small town?..... nowhereland..... (funny funny I live there now) her brother that by the looks of the photo on her wall was a complete and total dork. Honestly, I was not into khaki pants and glasses...and a clean shaven face? O my. I was not into any of it. He was not only not my type... but way not my type and way WAY far away.... but I figured Id humor her. She called him... explained the rather funny situation and he said he'd hang up and call back because a girl shouldnt call a guy first... Chivalry???? Seriously???? Where on earth did he come from?
(Here is Tamra, friend turned sister in law)

He called back and we talked. And we talked and we talked some more. And some more even. It was wierd. I was blunt. I held no punches... I laid it all on the line. I didnt care if it wasnt pretty... it was simply where I was in life. Broken. Burnt. Angry. Sad. I figured I'd never see him.. ever. I figured it was simply someone to bounce my words off of. I figured wrong. Within days, or dare I say hours....whos to know because I dont remember hanging up the phone except to take the biggins to school or to shower... within whatever.. I knew. He was the piece, he was the one, he was the reason that I didnt know I didnt have. He was the biggest cliche of all... he was my true love. WHAT? HONESTLY.... back to reality Kell, you hate men... remember? O yes, but he was different... the ying to my yang.. all that crapola... yep all of it.. it was him. Him and so much more.
And the story... the story of Austin will have to wait... but lets just say... duster, late night.... middle of Nevada... begining of the story.... whatever...
dang him. it was him. He smirks about it now, I think he knew.

And to my surprise, he didnt show up in khakis... or dockers or anything that my stuffy self thought he would show up in... He was rough and rugged... and opened my door... and finished my sentences... and well I wasnt prepared to be attracted altho it didnt matter because I was already so so in love. I know. I cant explain it. But I was.
So sometimes I wonder about how I got here.... to all of this... to days I spend chasing many many babies...

And these are the days... sometimes the level of noise gets to me... or the fear of the uncertanty of not only our world but our lives. Sometimes I let myself slip.. go there... sometimes I get angry... and think WHAT???? What the heck is this................................................

this is my life... it is... and I savor every moment.... i do...
and I thank God for it all... especially for waterproof paint.....

Here you go Pam!!!!

2008-10-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

Let me just say that the little one in this family gave me a serious run for my money!!!!! I am having a ton of fun proofing these... they are so real and so fun!!! Thanks for a wonderful afternoon guys!

More of me... more from California.....

2008-10-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

Im not always honest on my blog.. well let me rephrase that... I am not always completely open.. I have my moments where I think .. if I write that what will people think? What will they say? I have moments where I am consumed by the appearances of life rather than the reality of it... and yet we are all living in the reality right?
We all have our faults.. we all have our issues... we all are in fact dare I say human? This is all about learning and growing and well, figuring it all out. It is a challenge every day... the balance of right and wrong and teaching our children about it all. I feel greatfull to be experiencing it all even if I cant spell greatfull right.... I feel honored to be my childrens mom, thankfull to be my husbands wife.... I have some amazing people in my life both around me and not and I am indebted to them. I am lucky to have family that I consider my best of friends.

I had a wild wild dream the other night... crazy wild.... the kind of dreams that you wake from and think...................... what?????????? why????????????? huh??????????????
but in my dream there was a message... and I guess its time to listen...
Let go...... let God.
Let go....... let God.
Im listening... I promise... I really am.

Here you go Dutson family.....

2008-10-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Talk about a bunch of beautiful girls..... this session was a breeze and I am just loving so so many of the photos.

Chubby Wubby.......

2008-10-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

I can't hardly believe he is 3 months old.. I know I say it every month but wow.. the time is flying by. I really want to bottle this... knowing he is the last baby I will have is a weird feeling.... we are enjoying watching you grow little man.... :)

on turning three.......

2008-10-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

tomorrow she will be three...... little miss A... the biggest of the littles.... The little wild one, she keeps me in stiches with her jokes... and her comentary on life and well, just her in general. She is a little bit of me and a little bit of J and well a whole lot of her..... we are just so in love with her...

She loves everything pink, anything muddy and thinks Cinderella is the best person on the planet... her dad is her hero and she has a big crush on Dan Bennett.... she refuses to eat anything green, and thinks clothes are optional...
Mason says she is very beautiful and she loves board games (how sweet)

We love you miss A...... thank you so much for being you... Happy Birthday Honey!!!!!!!

Some photos from Miss A's party....

2008-10-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

We are having a ton of fun in California..... lots of good memories are being made with all of the kids cousins and the rest of the family....

Ok and you have to just laugh at this..... here is me, trying so hard for a photo of me and all the kids... lets just say its a good thing I have tons to hide behind :) I guess this is pretty close to real life right.... :)

New Listing on Etsy.....

2008-10-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Had to share this beautiful new dress we have listed on Etsy....

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5097950

Day 7

2008-10-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

no photos ... just words...

I'll try... Jonatha Brooke

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm to tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe:
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
I try,
But its to hard to believe.
I try,
But I can't see what you see.
I try.
I try.
I try.
My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you baby,
But I cant stay and watch the sitting burn;
Watch it burn.
'Cause I try,
But its so hard to believe!
I try,
But I can't see where you see.
I try.
I try.
I try and try,
To understand,
The distance in between:
The love I feel,
The things i fear,
I dearly say good dream.
I can finally see it.
Now I have to believe:
All those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
So I'll try,
'Cause I finally believe!
I'll try,
'Cause I see where you see!
I'll try.
I'll try!
I'll try!
I'll try-
To fly

Day 6...

2008-10-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

My thoughts today are random as are my pictures..... I found this page I had ripped out of a magazine a long time ago and felt it was fitting to share... It is from the Healthy Utah Magazine... Here are ten ways to enrich your life......
1. See the good in every person...
2. Forgive yourself... "Never forget that to forgive yourself is to release trapped energy that could be doing good work in the world. Thus to judge and condemn yourself is a a form of selfishness. Self-prosecution is never noble: it does no one a service. (D. Patrick Miller)
Just as you forgive others for their slights, misstatements and errors of judgement, forgive yourself. Then move on
3. Learn to bend in order not to break
4. Maintain a spirit of goodwill
5. Give up revenge "A man who studies revenge keeps his own wounds green" (Francis Bacon)
6. Create your own inspirational book
7. Be a person of integrity
8. Lavish others with kindness
9. Seek out beauty daily...
10. Practice Citizenship

Its funny, most days we are trying to teach our children, but really they are teaching us...

We spent the day tying quilts and working on a birthday present for Tucker.... We wanted to make him a denim quilt, and as I sat looking at the box of jeans I was confused. I couldnt understand how we were going to make all the different denim work together... it was all different sizes... different thickness... etc. I just started cutting and Jerid started sewing the strips together and then those strips together and I couldnt believe it when it started taking shape and actually looking like something. Some of the jeans we used were old and tattered and torn, one pair was my favorite from highschool (man they were tiny) one was a pair that looked never worn. Our lives are a bit like this... all the moments that when patched together make up our lives... they are all there for a reason... they all either taught a lesson or made us stronger or helped us grow... some of these moments "look" a bit worse than others.. but they are needed nonetheless... they are all an important part.

Look at these cuties....

2008-10-04T11:43:00.001-07:00

I am so lucky to get to photograph these beautiful boys.... this session was so easy I couldnt believe it..... I looked at their mom at the end and said... wow... I really expected drama.. or tears.... or something :D But nope, no tears.... just some sweet little smiles.... Thank you so much Wynter.. they are just adorable!!!

day 5.... two hats.....

2008-10-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

What is that saying? You know the one... it goes something like a mom must wear two hats..... I get it... I really do. Today we did the usual chase the kids go to appointments... chase the kids some more.. etc etc. Some times it all seems to mesh... you know the lists and the kids and the o my when am I going to fit a shower in. Ive learned that you can be a good mom in your pjs... and that barring running into someone from highschool that you havent seen in 15 years, the ponytail is still a rather trendy look... right? I have kids... lots of them it seems... and my priority list has shifted.... yes I want to look cute, yes I want to have trendy clothes and yes I want to sleep more than two hours at a time... I want to.... but I cant...
So I adjust, or dare I say settle? Austyn told me today that yittle kids cant lose their minds.... I said of course.. why????? Well mom, because they need their minds.... Of course they do....
So maybe it wasnt two hats.. maybe it was two shoes?

Someday I will figure this all out... really... I will

day 4.....

2008-10-02T20:20:00.001-07:00

I spend alot of time driving... driving and thinking... driving and some days being angry... somedays I feel like this is not the life I chose... like this life is toooo hard... too much... too little.. its hard to explain. I took a chance and this is my life, and well... I wouldnt want anything else. But I have to be honest right? Some days it is hard.

I couldnt do it without Jerid... I honestly couldnt... it wouldnt be the same... its funny, I never believed in love before him... Id hear people talk about "the love of their lives" or the half that makes them whole or the ying to the yang... id laugh... id been in love... it was never like that.. it was never a completion.. not until him. Not until that first night, not until he was there in his duster... half way across Nevada.. somewhere near Austin... not until then did I get it.... I met him there and could not imagine my life without him in it..... I understood in a mere second what everyone had been talking about.... I knew.......
our life is crazy.. but it is ours.......... and that is something wonderful to be thankful for.......

A man to love... wonderful children.... promise of better days.. honestly, could one want for more????????

Day three... and so it goes....

2008-10-01T21:12:00.001-07:00

I was a slacker with my camera today... I spent most the morning charging the batteries and taking mental photos of everything around me. I am really enjoying this challenge... and not only am I taking photos, but I am being more aware of whats around me...

October now.. and to be honest I am looking forward to the end of this year... to a new year....
Austyn had tumbling today and I actually braved the store with all three under three... it was a fast mad dash... I of course would have taken photos if I had had another hand or three.....
Miss M had a field trip today up the canyon... I thought she looked beautiful when she came home...
beautiful but getting so dang big...
and miss S..... what a split second this was.... as if she was taunting me.. quick mom quick.....

now Im off to charge those batteries... so that tomorrow I can capture some more...
ok and shhhhhhhh can you hear it? Silence.....................

Day two....

2008-09-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I write with a squealing baby in my lap so bear with me... today was hard.. and not in the nothing to photograph hard.. just hard.. plain o stinky day hard.... know what I mean? The kids were busy, I was tired and needing a break and there was none in sight... you know the days right... that you live on love and hope that when you wake up tomorrow that they will be better, that it will all be better... it was one of them. I got nothing done..... well nothing except raising my wild kiddos .. and i must believe that that is something right? Something or everything....
Some days I wonder what McCall thinks of all of this chaos.... the little thinker that he is .... I wonder what it is like to be that little and have so much going on around me...

Most days Savanah is taking off..... I get it... I totally get it....

o the wild one the wild wild wild one....

Talking to her bff? or maybe mine????

and I just love this...

and to say it all in just one photo.... time for change? moving on? happy trails even? of course our lives have taken a turn... and where it will lead us .. well we have to trust in God to know..... scared yep.... but there is always something more....
like maybe mud perhaps?

I guess my last thought for today is that Mr M will never know how I have fought... how the war of life rages on behind him.. how I am trying to do right and not give in to the controlling ways of others.... how he is so important and I am trying to learn how to be the best mom I can be... even from this far away.... How no matter what he hears I am trying to make the right decisions for him, well for all of us.
Godspeed little man.. godspeed.

A week in the life........

2008-09-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

Im challenging myself..... to capture more of the real.... to forget less of the fake.... to remember why I am on this journey anyway... so here it is... day one...

I promise I changed 45 diapers today.. well not really but it sure felt like it... someone was always poopy... and crying o the crying.... I got up way too early this morning ..... and by noon I was feeling it. I was tired and sure the girls were going to tear the house down...

The girls are getting big, heck they all are.. I cant believe the changes before my eyes.... the growing up and growing wise that we are all doing....
Being grown up is hard stuff..... being true and not swaying is harder.... loving my kids is easy but I find most days loving myself is hard... writing that is darn near scary....
I want to embrace life... and to do that I think we have to be open and bare and I am trying to be ok with that....
Life is messy, and not always perfect but yet I adore it all... the messes... the tired me.... the promises of what is to come... it is mine right? and isnt that enough?

Sometimes she rides her bike and I wish I was her.... what freedom to be young....

Austyn gave me this green necklace today and made me wear it because all princesses have necklaces.... ah to be someones princess....

And Savanah who is ready for any job big or small.. you know with her wrench and her purse....

I wonder often what is in her pretty head..... what dreams she dreams.... she is the one who made me who I am .... and I will never be able to thank her enough

and messy days... oh every day is messy here

Austyn and her flower for mom....

and the one who hangs my moon...............

should I even ask why?????????????????

Color anyone????

2008-09-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

and look I do shoot some in color still... check out her eyes!!!

What a fun session.......

2008-09-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

Silly blogger I still cant type at the top.... what a fun session this was!!!